


Uptight That Bitch™

by zentamaus



Series: Works by the almighty Plot Generator [1]
Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, F/F, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-12-14 07:55:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21012365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zentamaus/pseuds/zentamaus
Summary: Chloe has to fight an old enemy - That Bitch™.Her weapon? A pitch pipe!This was created using an automatedplot generator. I only changed minor things.I think it's hilarious and thought I'd share!





	Uptight That Bitch™

**Author's Note:**

> Inspiration for the nickname "That Bitch™" came from my friend [Psy456](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Psy456/)'s [A Shared Lifetime Universe.](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1066406)  
If you're unfamiliar with that series, go read it!
> 
> But first read this crack!fic !!! :D

Uptight That Bitch™

A Screenplay by zentamaus

**INT. BEDROOM - AFTERNOON**

Smiley teacher** MISS CHLOE BEALE** is arguing with broody music producer **MISS BECA MITCHELL**. **CHLOE **tries to hug **BECA, **but she shakes her off.

**CHLOE**

Please, Beca, don't leave me.

**BECA**

I'm sorry Chloe, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces their fears head on, instead of running away.

**CHLOE**

I am such a person!

**BECA **frowns.

**BECA**

I'm sorry, Chloe. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

**BECA **leaves.

**CHLOE **sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, broody scientist **MISS STACIE CONRAD** barges in looking flustered.

**CHLOE**

Goodness, Stacie! Is everything okay?

**STACIE**

I'm afraid not.

**CHLOE**

What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

**STACIE**

It's...That Bitch™...I saw the evil That Bitch™ rip out the vocal cords of a bunch of a capella singers!

**CHLOE**

Defenseless a capella singers?

**STACIE**

Yes, defenseless a capella singers!

**CHLOE**

Bloomin' heck, Stacie! We've got to do something.

**STACIE**

I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

**CHLOE**

You can start by telling me where this happened.

**STACIE**

I was…

**STACIE **fans herself and begins to wheeze.

**CHLOE**

Focus Stacie, focus! Where did it happen?

**STACIE**

Bathroom! That's right - bathroom!

**CHLOE **springs up and begins to run.

**EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS**

**CHLOE **rushes along the street, followed by **STACIE**. They take a shortcut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

**INT. BATHROOM - SHORTLY AFTER**

**ALICE** the uptight That Bitch™ terrorises two a capella singers.

**CHLOE**, closely followed by **STACIE**, rushes towards **ALICE**, but suddenly stops in her tracks.

**STACIE**

What is it? What's the matter?

**CHLOE**

That's not just any old That Bitch™, that's Alice !

**STACIE**

Who's Alice ?

**CHLOE**

Who's Alice ? _Who's Alice ? _Only the most uptight That Bitch™ in the universe!

**STACIE**

Blinkin' knickers, Chloe! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most uptight That Bitch™ in the universe!

**CHLOE**

You can say that again.

**STACIE**

Blinkin' knickers, Chloe! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most uptight That Bitch™ in the universe!

**CHLOE**

I'm going to need a pitch pipe, lots of pitch pipes.

**ALICE **turns and sees **CHLOE **and **STACIE**. She grins an evil grin.

**ALICE**

Chloe Beale, we meet again.

**STACIE**

You've met?

**CHLOE**

Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

**EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME**

A young **CHLOE **is sitting in a park listening to some ladies of the 80s music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.

She looks up and sees **ALICE**. She takes off her headphones.

**ALICE**

Would you like some purple skittles?

**CHLOE's **eyes light up, but then she studies **ALICE **more closely, and looks uneasy.

**CHLOE**

I don't know, you look kind of uptight.

**ALICE**

Me? No. I'm not uptight. I'm the least uptight That Bitch™ in the world.

**CHLOE**

Wait, you're a That Bitch™?

**CHLOE **runs away, screaming.

**INT. BATHROOM - PRESENT DAY**

**ALICE**

You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

**STACIE**

(To **CHLOE**) You ran away?

**CHLOE**

(To **STACIE**) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

**CHLOE **turns to **ALICE**.

**CHLOE**

I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

**CHLOE **runs away.

She turns back and shouts.

**CHLOE**

I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with pitch pipes.

**ALICE**

I'm not scared of you.

**CHLOE**

You should be.

**INT. HALLWAY - LATER THAT DAY**

**CHLOE **and **STACIE **walk around searching for something.

**CHLOE**

I feel sure I left my pitch pipe somewhere around here.

**STACIE**

Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep a deadly pitch pipe.

**CHLOE**

You know nothing, Stacie Conrad.

**STACIE**

We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, **ALICE **appears, holding a pair of pitch pipes.

**ALICE**

Looking for something?

**STACIE**

Crikey, Chloe, she's got your pitch pipe.

**CHLOE**

Tell me something I don't already know!

**STACIE**

The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

**CHLOE**

I know that already!

**STACIE**

I have nodes.

**ALICE**

(appalled) Dude!

While **ALICE **is looking at **STACIE **with disgust, **CHLOE **lunges forward and grabs her deadly pitch pipe. She wields them, triumphantly.

**CHLOE**

Prepare to die, you uptight kraut!

**ALICE**

No please! All I did was rip out the vocal cords of a bunch of a capella singers!

**BECA **enters, unseen by any of the others.

**CHLOE**

I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those a capella singers were defenceless! Well, now they have a defender - and that's me! Chloe Beale defender of innocent a capella singers.

**ALICE**

Don't hurt me! Please!

**CHLOE**

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these pitch pipes on you right away!

**ALICE**

Because, Chloe, I am your mother.

**CHLOE **looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.

**CHLOE**

No, you're not!

**ALICE**

Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

**ALICE **tries to grab the pitch pipe but **CHLOE **dodges out of the way.

**CHLOE**

Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, **ALICE **slumps to the ground.

**STACIE**

Did she just faint?

**CHLOE**

I think so. Well, that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly pitch pipe.

**CHLOE **crouches over **ALICE's **body.

**STACIE**

Be careful, Chloe. It could be a trick.

**CHLOE**

No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Alice is dead!

**STACIE**

What?

**CHLOE**

Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.

**STACIE **claps her hands.

**STACIE**

So your pitch pipe did save the day, after all.

**BECA **steps forward.

**BECA**

Is it true? Did you kill the uptight That Bitch™?

**CHLOE**

Beca how long have you been...?

**BECA **puts her arm around **CHLOE**.

**BECA**

Long enough.

**CHLOE**

Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Alice .

**BECA**

Then the a capella singers are safe?

**CHLOE**

It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable a capella singers enter, looking relieved.

**BECA**

You are their hero.

The a capella singers bow to **CHLOE**.

**CHLOE**

There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Alice will never rip out the vocal cords of a capella singers ever again, is enough for me.

**BECA**

You are humble as well as brave!

One of the a capella singers passes **CHLOE **a yellow scarf.

**BECA**

I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

**CHLOE**

I couldn't possibly.

**Pause**.

**CHLOE**

Well, if you insist.

**CHLOE **takes the scarf.

**CHLOE**

Thank you.

The a capella singers bow their heads once more, and leave.

**CHLOE **turns to **BECA**.

**CHLOE**

Does this mean you want me back?

**BECA**

Oh, Chloe, of course I want you back!

**CHLOE **smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

**CHLOE**

Well, you can't have me.

**BECA**

WHAT?

**CHLOE**

You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare That Bitch™ to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

**BECA**

But...

**CHLOE**

Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Stacie.

**STACIE **grins.

**BECA**

But...

**STACIE**

You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skedaddle! Shoo!

**BECA**

Chloe?

**CHLOE**

I'm sorry Beca, but I think you should skedaddle.

**BECA **leaves.

**STACIE **turns to **CHLOE**.

**STACIE**

Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

**CHLOE**

Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly, **STACIE **stops.

**STACIE**

When I said I have nodes, you know I was just trying to distract That Bitch™ don't you?

**THE END**

**Author's Note:**

> If you've made it this far: Thanks for reading!


End file.
